Depressing thoughts have gotten worse and last much longer now.

I was planning on killing myself this weekend. Was going to sell my car, pay off the loan (so nobody had to deal with that when I died), and cash in all my mutual funds and add my mom as an authorized user so she’d have an easier time getting the money.

I’ve been seeing the Chaplain and it helps a little, but I just can’t get these thoughts to go away. The thoughts about being terrible at my job, my division hating me, about being alone.

I had a date lined up with a girl on Tinder. Things were going well and we we supposed to meet Sunday night. The last thing I heard from her was that morning, “Looking forward to it!”

While driving to the restaurant, Tinder notified me she had sent a message. When I tried to pull it up, though, there was nothing because she had unmatched me. I went to the restaurant anyway, on the off chance that it was just a glitch in the app or something. I didn’t have her phone number to call her. Of course, she didn’t show up.

I know everybody says it gets better, but I don’t believe that it does. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this, hating myself and wanting to die.

Just some quick thoughts while they’re still in my head.

I might delete all my videos/Music/podcasts from my phone next time we go underway. I find that I’m not reading at all each night and just watching videos.

Relieved as LELT a few days ago. I want to do a good job.

Still going through really bad depressed states every so often. I might just need to learn to live with it. Maybe it’s not possible to be happy, maybe being content is all I can aim for.

Depression has become more frequent and longer lasting in the past few weeks.

Normally what lasts maybe a few hours has lasted multiple days, distracting me from my work and causing people to stop and ask if I’m alright.

On of the chiefs asked me a few days ago if I was alright, and I told him I was fine and joked around. He clearly didn’t buy it.

I’d been thinking all day about how to kill myself and the things I’d need to do before hand (switch over life insurance to my mom, get my room cleaned up so I didn’t leave a mess for the landlord, etc). After lunch I told my LPO I was going to dental, but I walked to the Chaplains office. He’s the only person I can talk to and not get removed from my duties for being suicidal.

I walked into an empty church and looked around. Nobody. I took one of the little papers with his contact info on it.

The next day was field day, and my LPO told me I seemed down. I told him that I hadn’t gone to dental, that I’d been down and went to talk to the Chaplain and that he wasn’t there. I jokingly said that if there was ever proof of the non-existence of God, the lack of a chaplain when I needed him most was it. He didn’t inquire any further.

The same chief as before asked me if I was ready to talk. We had a private conversation until we were interrupted by other people nearby who didn’t realize we were having a serious conversation. He said he knows I wasn’t ok, and pushed me to talk. I told him I had been feeling really down, and that I’d gone to the Chaplain and he wasn’t there (and is apparently gone all next week for some religious conference). He asked if I wanted to get off the boat and I said “absolutely not” and that that’s why I didn’t want to tell people how I was feeling. I want to stay on the boat and finish out my time in the Navy. Ironically, being removed from the boat and having no “purpose” would make things worse.

The next day was better. I was on duty and got a little progress on my quals. I got along well with everyone and was in good spirits. I looked back at my previous ideas of committing suicide and thought they were irrational.

But today, they came back again. I went to the beech just to check it out and pass the time and afterward went to Barnes and Noble. Usually looking at the books and drinking coffee makes me happy, but I had almost no interest in the books I was looking at.

I went back to the car and sat there for around 20 minutes, thinking about how everybody hates me. I know that they don’t really, but my brain was in that mode again, telling me that nobody likes me, that I mess everything up at work, that I’m a drag on the world.

I don’t know if I’m going to make it.

Feeling normal again after sleeping all night. I hate those depressive states that keep me down from time to time.

I plan to be somewhat productive today. Get things ready for the movers on Monday, get my hair cut, and maybe do some laundry.

A wave of sadness and anger hit me tonight.

I find myself reliving arguments with people at work, and getting worked up over arguments that never actually happened. I don’t know why I can’t let things go. I don’t know why I get angry and make things worse than they actually are.

I feel like everybody hates me. I realized that nobody at work has invited me out with them. I never thought about it until I heard people retelling their time together out.

I realize that I’m really not a social person. I don’t know how to be. And I don’t drink which sometimes I think limits me.

I just want to be normal and not disliked.

I’m thinking about killing myself. I know that this feeling will be gone by the time I wake up in the morning, and I’ll realize I’m not being rational. I hate having these moments where I feel worthless and suicidal.

Today is my first “true” day off from work in about a month (I’ve had Saturday duty 3 weekends in a row which means I work Sunday morning and then go home – not really a true day off).

Been somewhat not productive today, but managed to get the AC window unit installed so it’s slowly cooling down my room. Worked out a bit and am feeling accomplished and healthier, although I ate pizza earlier so maybe not such a good health day.

Was talking with Ronnie last night for a few hours on the phone. She’s just started her residency program and had some questions about the 403b plan they’re offering. We started talking about that but spent a few hours talking about all sorts of different things. After a while when we hung up, we texted back and forth a little bit and she mentioned that she was getting aroused talking on the phone with me. She said my voice turns her on and always has.

I was surprised when she said that; I always thought that she only saw me as a friend (not that this means she’s actually attracted to me, it might have just been in the moment). I legitimately had no idea that she could see me that way.

She said, “Good thing you’re not here.” I asked, semi-jokingly, would I have a shot if I was?” and she said, “Ok, I’m going to sleep before I say something that ruins our friendship.” I prodded a little more, and told her I didn’t realize she found my voice attractive. I waited a minute and decided to throw caution to the wind and tell her that everything about her turns me on, not just her voice. After a back and forth, she sent me a really nice picture and a short video clip of her touching herself. I was both amazed, and in shock.

It was difficult because I was really sleepy (I’d been up for about 24 hours at this point), but we basically sexted for about 30 minutes. It was absolutely amazing. I passed out about 5am and woke back up at 10, not sure how to proceed. I didn’t know, and still don’t know, if this was a one time thing because she was in the moment, or if it’s something that could happen again. What’s more, should I make a move when I see her in real life, or would that mess up our friendship?

I don’t want to get too crazy about this. I have to accept that this might have been just a one-time thing, and not to try to push it any further. I don’t want to make things weird or push her away.

I also have to admit to myself that I have no idea if me and her would have a good relationship. Since I’ve known her I’ve been attracted to her; am I seeing her through blinders? Can I make rational decisions about a relationship while I’m in love with the idea of me and her? I don’t know.

Qualified SRW on Friday and got to stand my first watch yesterday. Went okay. Underestimated how long the first set of logs takes (with all the 4-hour items you have to do) and was a little rushed. Then we started 2 HPACs and that took me a bit.

It feels good to be “contributing” more.

Got off duty this morning and have just been lounging. It’s almost 6PM and I still haven’t gotten my day started yet.

Just started listening to the “Stacking Benjamins” podcast and am surprised at how much I enjoy it.

I downloaded something called Todoist (spoken, “to-do-ist”) and have been using it to keep myself slightly more accountable. I set a couple recurring items on there:
1) Do 10 pushups
2) Read 1 chapter

It’s been hit or miss each night, but I do feel like I’ve exercised more and read more since I started.

Small wins. That should be the name of this blog, shouldn’t it?

Vic’s on leave so I’m the guy in charge while he’s gone. I’m going to really try to improve my relationship with the guys. When I showed up I was too controlling, to overbearing and I think I caused damage to the relationship I have with them. Both of them are very lazy and it’s hard to motivate them to do things. One of them is pretty dishonest (I just get the vibe that he’s lying to me, often) and the other is really hard-headed and arrogant.

I have to remind myself every day that I can’t change them, and all I can do is try to work within the environment that I’m in. One of the chiefs said something that stuck with me. Sometimes you just have to accept the negative parts of people because you need the positive parts of them to get the job done.

The bottom line is, I have to learn to let people be who they are and not try to control them. People will be just fine, even if they don’t do things my way. I’ve got to learn to let people be.

I’ve been trying to focus my attention on things that make me happy. Trying to not be so money-focused and instead discover what things bring actual happiness. Trying to follow through with small goals.

Small wins for tonight: Did 5 pushups. Yes, only 5. I’ve set that as a goal for every night. Will this make a noticeable difference in my health? Not necessarily. But it’s a start.

Second small win: read another chapter of “Playing With Fire.” I’ve been purchasing books and never getting around to reading them.

These small goals, while insignificant, seem to be more effective than something like, “I’m not going to watch any TV and spend all weekend reading a book” which never works out.

As small as it seems, I’m smiling looking back on today and the small successes that I’ve had.

Was on duty last night and got my last SRW U/I in and a handful of checkouts from the SRW card. Need to get the last couple of practical factors and qualify that before the end of the week, ideally.

Finally got the title to my car so I can get it moved to Hawaii. It took forever and I honestly thought I would miss the deadline to turn it in and get it shipped, and have to sell it here before we move.

Still not plan from the boat about how we’re going to get everybody not going on sea trials to Groton. Or how we’ll store our electronics on board once the movers move all our stuff and we move onto the boat during the last couple of weeks. I don’t know why we’re so close to leaving, still without a plan to put out to everybody. But, I’m sure something will get put out.

Looking forward to the next few months of pay (supposedly we’re going to start getting Hawaii BAH and COLA even though we won’t be there for some time). This, in combination with living on the boat and not having a rent payment, should make for some pretty good savings.

Finished command financial specialist school on Friday and was sad to come back. I’m so looking forward to leaving the Navy and moving on to a career in personal finance. I’m literally counting down the days until I get out (1051 until terminal leave).

I’d like to update this right now while I’m feeling happy and content to document that I’m not always depressed.

Had a great conversation with Ronny yesterday.  I haven’t really talked with her for a few years and it was great catching up.  I admitted to her that I’ve been struggling with depression for a long time and it had recently gotten to the point where I periodically think about killing myself.

I’ve only admitted that to her and Amy.  It felt good to be honest with someone.  

I told her that I was planning on seeking counseling to help me with my thoughts and emotions.  She is going through residency now and talked about anti-depressants and how they can be helpful.  I can’t take them because of the Navy, although if it gets down to it I might start taking them and just hope not to get caught.  She didn’t think they would show up on a urinalysis, but I’m not sure.  

Opening up to her really helped.  She mentioned that she struggled with it sometimes and having goals really helped.  I’ve been pretty unsuccessful with my goals of working out, eating better, reading more, etc.  I have to learn to make these small changes in my life.

It was really good catching up with her.  We used to have deep philosophical discussions but we’d more or less stopped talking when I started dating Allie.  She said she felt somewhat uncomfortable being a female friend to a married man, which I understand.  

To make the day even better, Megan messaged me asking if I wanted to play monopoly on Thursday.  Maybe she’s just being friendly, I don’t know.  I think I’ll enjoy my time with her and see where things go.  Maybe we’ll just be good friends and nothing more.  I don’t want to get to invested with romantic ideas and leave myself feeling shitty and unwanted.  

Had my baby tooth removed yesterday.  They put some stuff in it to fill the hole (not sure what it’s called, but it’s very soft, not hard like I thought it would be).  The pain yesterday was pretty bad but after sleeping last night it’s mostly gone.  However, I can’t stop tonguing the area and the stitches are starting to come out.  A quick google search seems to indicate that this is not a big deal, that they normally dissolve on their own after a couple weeks.  I hope I didn’t fuck this thing up.

Slow start this morning, was up in the middle of the night for several hours, then slept from 8 to 11.  Going to get my hair cut before the barber shop closes at 4PM.  Might try to go to the gym later on as well, even if it’s just for a few minutes.

Purchased a chromebook at Best Buy last night.  So far, I think I like it.  Still getting used to it, there’s little things that I don’t know if I like, but it’s decent.  The screen is nice and it folds all the way back to become a tablet, and the battery life seems very good.  Legit several hours of continuous video play (I fell asleep with youtube on autoplay and it still didn’t die).  

Not going to feel guilty about this purchase.  Need to stop looking back and trying to invest every single dollar I get.  Going to enjoy this laptop and not worry about the cost.  In other words: stop being stingy.

Life is worth living.  I feel good right now, and I want to document that I’m not always sad.  

Also, today is the first day I’ve had off since the middle of April.  Shiftwork is finally over.  

My depression has been so much worse the past few weeks. It’s an every night thing before I go to bed, thinking about how everyone hates me (I know rationally it’s not true but my thoughts are still crazy).

The effect my suicide would have on my mom is the thing that keeps me from taking action.

While those dark thoughts run through my mind on a daily basis now, there are other times when I’m excited about the future and want to have a family.

I need to seek out professional help.

I’ve been making a conscious effort to let the nubs do their own thing instead of trying to make everything done my way. I was really destroying my relationship with them. I started to realize that subconsciously I’m really fighting to control them. I’ve got to back off.

Got that gym membership last month and haven’t used it yet. I’ve used shift work as an excuse but really I’m just being lazy.

I’ve been trying to date a shipyard civilian, Megan, the past few weeks. But it’s not really going anywhere. I’ve been out to breakfast with her multiple times as a group with others and I helped her make cookies the other day.

When I talk with her and look in her eyes, I feel like I’m getting a signal. But she made a comment the other day that she would never date a ship’s force guy on a boat that she was working on. But the testing program is ending soon so…is this workable?

I asked if she wanted to hang out tonight and she said she was catching up on chores and readjusting her sleep schedule. I don’t know.

I keep fearing that I’m misreading her mutual interest and I’m just that creepy guy who won’t stop asking. I hate that feeling of paranoia.

I think I’ll try one more time and then call it quits.

Shift work ended so I’m going back to a regular schedule.

Friday I’m getting my baby tooth removed and a placeholder put in until an implant gets installed in Hawaii.

Need to deal with these sad thoughts and not end my life.